Why Do We Love Who (or What) Doesn’t Exist?
Have you ever found yourself falling in love with a movie, series, or video game character? Have you felt affection for a virtual pet, like the old Tamagotchi? Have you ever covered your walls with posters and daydreamed about people you’ll never meet?
If so, you’re not alone – and this says a lot about all of us.
Long before today’s technologies, humans have created symbolic ways to love, desire, and connect. Cave paintings, fertility statues, gods with human features, and stories of platonic love are just a few examples of how we project our feelings onto idealised figures. Technology has only made this more visible – and perhaps easier.
And this is all connected to what we call affective-erotic substituition…
But what is affective-erotic substitution?
It’s when we transfer our desire, affection, or even love to something that isn’t a real person: it could be an image, a character, a robot, an artificial intelligence, or a symbolic object. It’s a kind of relationship with no risk of rejection, conflict, or frustration – because the other doesn’t truly exist or doesn’t respond in unpredictable ways.
They (or he, she, it) are always available, idealised, perfect – and respond exactly how our mind wants them to.
This kind of substitution is not a problem in itself. It can be a way to cope with loneliness, to explore feelings safely, or to experience desires we can’t live out in real life. Sometimes it’s a bridge. Other times, it’s an escape.
From past to present: this impulse is ancient
The tendency to bond with symbolic figures didn’t begin with the internet. In ancient times, people worshipped gods with human or animal shapes, took part in fertility rituals, and saw sex as a bridge to the sacred. Poets wrote about impossible loves, and mystics described spiritual ecstasy in deeply sensual terms.
In the Bible, the Kama Sutra, Greek myths, African rituals, or Sufi poetry, we can see how eroticism and transcendence often mix. The line between faith, desire, and fantasy has always been thinner than it seems.
Superheroes, avatars and dolls: the new “ideal loves”
Today, we have superheroes wearing underwear over their clothes, ultra-eroticised anime characters, realistic dolls, vibrating video game controllers, and apps that simulate romantic chats. Pop culture is full of images designed to activate our desires – not just sexual, but emotional too.
Characters like Chun-Li, Lara Croft, Superman or Hatsune Miku are designed to attract, enchant, and in a way, replace human contact. They don’t disappoint. They don’t argue. They’re always there.
As researcher Sherry Turkle says, in these cases, we’re relating to our own fantasy.
Love without pain: the desire to control connection
Why do we do this? Because real love is hard. It requires listening, patience, compromise, and dealing with frustration. And we’re not always ready for that. Sometimes, we need a break. A safe harbour where we can feel without fear.
In today’s culture – marked by social media, fast consumption, and constant stimulation – there’s little space for affection that takes time, silence, and depth. Affective substitution becomes a symbolic response to that. An “emotional patch” trying to fill the void.
But is it a bad thing?
It depends. For many people, these forms of substitution are important: they help cope with trauma, build identity, and survive exclusion. An avatar can be more comforting than most people out there. A vibrator might be more liberating than an oppressive relationship. A character can inspire, comfort, and heal.
The problem begins when we can only love what doesn’t exist. When we stop trying. When we start avoiding real people because they confront us with our own insecurities.
An ancient practice, a new name
The concept of affective-erotic substitution isn’t a diagnosis. It’s a way of naming something that has always been with us: the desire to connect without the risk of loss. To find pleasure without pain. To love without having to negotiate.
Sometimes it’s fantasy. Sometimes it’s survival. Often, it’s both.
From the altar to the joystick, from the saint to the superhero, from the anime pillow to the boyfriend-simulator app – what we’re really seeking is a symbolic presence that makes us feel loved, even if just for a moment.
In the end…
We all project something onto someone. We all carry fantasies. We all have, to some degree, our “impossible loves.”
What matters may not be to eliminate these substitutions, but to recognise them. To understand what we’re really seeking through them. And, when possible, to open space for real connections – with all their beauty, difficulty, and unpredictability.
Because, in the end, the real other still holds something no machine, character or deity can ever offer: the surprise of a true encounter.
Download or Read more here:
BATISTA, D. J., & WARZECHA, P. (2025). Affective-Erotic Substitution: The Gamified Intimacy from Paleolithic Venus to Human-AI Experiences. Zenodo. https://doi.org/10.5281/zenodo.16620373